THE TOP FIVE

The prospect of a Lakas vs. Kampi struggle for the House leadership notwithstanding, Gloria Arroyo’s hold of the throne, I believe, would remain intact at least for another year. This means impeaching her again will not prosper under a quantitatively inferior opposition in the House of Representatives. With gatekeepers like Villafuerte and de Venecia, it will be very difficult indeed for the impeachment complaint to even touch first base.

For this reason, it is clear that the most hated President this country ever had is here to stay (and probably till kingdom come). So, as a way of congratulating Mrs. Arroyo for a chea… este job well done, allow me to mention the top five departments that have shown unwavering loyalty and dedication in matters of (mis)governance.

  DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE 

“The mandate of the DOJ is to uphold the rule of law. Its mission is to establish and maintain a just and orderly society through an effective, speedy and compassionate administration of justice.”

Actually, the logo above is an old one. The Justice Secretary has commissioned the making of a new design that will show the scales of justice tilting more to the right where a picture of the President can be seen. There is also a proposal to amend the first sentence of the mission statement which will then be read as “The mandate of the DOJ is to uphold the rule of law as Malacañang or the Secretary of Justice sees fit. x x x x x”

A compilation of Raul’s side comments is currently in the works and is slated for distribution as a guidebook to all prosecutors in the country.

  DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR AND LOCAL GOVERNMENT 

“The Department shall… assist the President in his general supervision over local government units, oversee and monitor the implementation of the Local Government Code of 1991, enhance the capabilities of the LGU’s for self-governance, and implement plans and programs on local autonomy x x x x x”

Serving suspension orders in the dead of the night on a weekend and during the campaign period is what you call supervision at its finest. It is a sure fire formula for “suspended” local executives to win by wide margins over their closest opponents. 

Lito Lapid found out to his dismay that President Arroyo after all is an ally of Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay.  He vowed to never again be deceived by the promise of victory in a city far away from his home province of Pampanga. 

Reports indicate that both he and his son, defeated gubernatorial candidate Mark Lapid, are now in Mount Pinatubo to reflect on the fate that befell on their respective political careers.

  DEPARTMENT OF NATIONAL DEFENSE 

“The Department of National Defense is tasked with the responsibility of providing the necessary protection of the State against external and internal threats; directing, planning and supervising the National Defense Program; maintaining law and order throughout the country; and performing other functions as may be provided for by law.”

To curb internal threats, it has issued a top secret policy to annihilate all members of the Left, particularly the political activists and pass them off as NPAs in disguise. 

Months ago, several hundred soldiers were deployed in the slums of Metro Manila to maintain law and order and quite frankly, the military has been successful in its so-called mission. 

But here’s the catch. The policemen assigned in those places have become very insecure. They are now contemplating on taking a mass leave, saying they’re better off as full-time hoodlums rather than play second fiddle to seargents and corporals.

  DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE 

“The Department of Agriculture is the principal agency of the Philippine government responsible for the promotion of agricultural development growth. In pursuit of this, it provides the policy framework, helps direct public investments, and in partnership with local government units (LGUs) provides the support services necessary to make agriculture and agri-based enterprises profitable and to help spread the benefits of development to the poor, particularly those in rural areas.” 

In the light of the recently concluded 2007 midterm elections, Malacañang in a press statement said that they sorely missed the services of Jocelyn “Jocjoc” Bolante, the evasive former Undersecretary who has a lot of explaining to do with respect to his mismanagement way back in 2004 of the P728-million fertilizer fund. 

Jocjoc, however, is unavailable for comment.  He is currently detained in the United States after his visa was cancelled.  But in a text message he sent to a Palace operative a month ago, he told the group not to worry as there will always be someone out there who would take the cudgels for him. 

In a related development, the President announced that Makati City will again be one of the beneficiaries/recepients of the proposed 2007 fertilizer fund. 

Congressman Teddy Boy Locsin couldn’t help but laugh. 

  DEPARTMENT OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS 

“The DFA is the prime agency of governemnt responsible for the pursuit of the State’s foreign policy and the nerve center for a Foreign service worthy of the trust and pride of every Filipino.” 

As part of the government’s campaign to fully implement an independent foreign policy, the DFA has proposed a slogan:  “WE ARE LITTLE BROWN AMERICANS LIVING IN AN INDEPENDENT COUNTRY LIKE THE PHILIPPINES”, distinguishing us from the whites and blacks living in the land of milk and honey. 

Perfect! Mrs. Arroyo was reported to have exclaimed after being informed of the proposal.  She now plans to invite the Subic rape victim to be her ambassador of goodwill.