MEET CHONA MAE

 

The following are some of the hilarious entries in the blog of Chona Mae Banaag, a household helper who worked for a rich family residing somewhere in Valle Verde Subdivision, Pasig City in the year 2004.  She calls her employers mam Tess and sir Arnold.  Not much is known about Chona Mae whose last entry after a 2-year hiatus was a two-word title called “May Himala”.

Her narration of her day-to-day experiences with the use of “carabao” English has attracted 310, 289 visitors as of this writing. 

But make no mistake about it.  She has the qualities of a good writer, qualities that are wanting in most of the blogs (and that includes mine) proliferating in the blogosphere.  The innocence  that flows from her entries is the magic ingredient that keeps you coming back for more. 

Step aside Ms. Janina San Miguel.  Pave the way for the ultimate star of the show.

I HATE MAM TESS 

“Hay naku, chona mae! puro ka lakwatsa! mamamasyal ka lang! kaya nga tinuruan kitang mag-internet di ba? pwede mo silang sulatan sa e-mail! matulog ka na at maaga pako bukas! puro kayo sakit ng ulo!”I cry and cry last night until i sleep. pano ko naman sila susulatan sa internet e wala naman kaming PC (personal computer) sa romblon. hindi nga marunong magmakinilya sina mama at papa e. nami-missed ko na talaga sila. sabi ko nga kay mam tess, kung gusto niya, ihahatid na lang ako ng driver nila na si ambet para siguradong uuwi ako kagad lalo namang nagalit. hindi muna ako hihiling ng kahit ano kay ate kasi baka lalong magalit. balak ko po namang umadbans sa sweldo sa katapusan kasi gusto kong bumili ng bgagong cell. sira na kasi yung 5110i ko e. nahulog sa washing mashing. haaay naku. ang sungit talaga ni ate pag minsan. siguro menopos na. sabi nga nung katipan ni sir jeff pag kaaway niya yung kaibigan nilang si marinel, betch! betch ka talaga mam tess. sungit mo! i’m hate you!

__________ 

BLACK CHONA

i try to discover who is R yesterday. last saturday night i make a plan to catch R. my plan is that i wake up very early at 2AM and clean all the household chores that aling choleng the betch assigned to me coz you know, we are like school here in the house. we have homework to do and we also have class officers. mam tess is like the president and aling choleng is the vice president. me and myrna are the members. sir arnold is like the teacher coz he is the big boss so since mam tess (the president) is in abroad, the vice president or aling choleng (betch!) is the manager in cleaning the household chores today but for sir arnold, i am the vice president coz every night, sir arnold ask mam tess to bring beer and give him foot spa or massage sometimes but when mam tess is in the abroad, i bring beer to the room of sir arnold and i give him foot spa. so for mam tess, aling choleng is the vide president but for sir arnold i am. is like teacher’s pets coz sir arnold is like the teacher. 

so i wake up at 2AM yesterday and i do everything that aling choleng asked me to do so i will finish early. i finish at 3:30 AM. after my work, i go to the garage and hide at the back of the car of sir arnold so that i will see who will doorbell and leave me the secret letter. i wait and wait and wait. i get hungry coz it is already 10AM and no one is still doorbell and i also get very scared coz sir arnold catch me at the back of the car. i get shocking when someone try to open the door. 

sir arnold: o? chona? anong ginagawa mo dyan?

chona mae: naglilinis po.

sir arnold: e bakit nakasara lahat ng pinto at bintana? tingnan mo nga pawis na pawis ka.

chona mae: ang hirap po kasing linisin ng kotse nyo e. sinara ko na lang po para di na mapasukan ng alikabok. aalis na po ba tayo? san po tayo pupunta?

sir arnold: ano? di ka kasama. ako lang ang aalis. buksan mo na ang gate.

chona mae: pwede po bang kayo na lang magbukas? di ko po kasi ako pwdeng lumapit sa gate hangga’t walang nagdo-doorbell e. masisira po ang plano.

sir arnold: anong plano? chona, ang aga aga e pinapainit mo ulo ko. gusto mo bang pauwiin na kita ng romblon?

chona mae: pwede po?

sir arnold: oo at hindi ka na babalik dito kahit kailan. gusto mo ba yun?

chona mae: ay, ayoko po.

sir arnold: pwes, buksan mo na ang gate. nagmamadali ako.

chona mae: opo sige po. wait lang sir. nagmamadali din po ako.

i open the gate but before i open it big, i look right and left just like when i am crossing the street to see if there is anyone there waiting but there is none so i open it big. the car is leave and so is sir arnold. sir arnold dont have driver on sunday coz it is ambet’s day-off on weekends. that is why sometimes i want to study driving so that i will be a driver also with day off. that is why i imagine that i am driving the car if i am using the floor polisher to shine the floor coz i think driving the floor polisher and the car is the same. 

i close the gate after the car is leave the house. i cannot find a place to hide myself coz the car is not there anymore. i hide in the plants in the inside garden so that they are not see me from the outside. is very difficult coz the sun is hot coz it is already 10:00AM. i am very wet again with sweat all over me. i did not eat breakfast and lunch coz i don’t want to miss the passing by of R. i wait and wait and wait coz they say that a good motto in life is wait and wait until you are succeed. thats why i wait and wait so i will be a success. 

i did not watch ASAP Mania and ASAP fanatic coz i am still waiting in the garden. is very tired but i also feel nice coz i feel that i am like proncess gonzales of the eagles in basta’t kasama kita. i wait and wait and when it is already 4pm, i see someone riding a bike. he has a fat body and he stops near the gate. i try to see from the leaves. i move the leaves of the plants to see the face of the person. i think it is really R and then he goes down from his bike and doorbelled and i see that he is slide the letter below the gate but i was very shocking coz i see that R is rowena the lady guard of the village. rowena is tomboy and she is love me. i get scared and nervious coz i dont like it. i see that rowena is go away already so i walk near the gate using my hands and my knees very slowly and i see that she is give me again a rose, three judge bubble gums and one box of curly tops with a letter. i get the letter fast and run to my room. i read the letter and it say to me that: 

dear chona, 

mahal na mahal kita pero alam kong ayaw mo sa akin. wag kang mag-alala, hinding hindi na kita aabalahin. ito na ang huling regalo ko sayo. 

lovelots, 

Rowena

is very angry coz she is tell me also her name in the letter. i wait all day and my skin is now very black because of the sun. before i am light black but now i am black. sayang lang paghihintay ko sasabihin din naman pala. muntik pa akong mahuli ni sir arnold. hmp! 

p.s.
ang hapdi ng mukha ko. =( 

__________

I’M BACK

thanks god coz mam tess is not very angry on me anymore. is very sorry to all of you coz i am not write hear to you for long coz mam tess is ground me for 1 week coz she is say that i am a bad girl. but is ok now coz she is now let me use the PC (personal computer) again. i want to thank all of you for greeting me a happy birthday even if my birthday is not very happy coz mam tess is angry on me. your greeting give me more power. all of you touched me very much. even if mam tess is no longer ground me, i am still sad a little bit. i cry and cry for many days and more.

on my birthday, mam tess is very nice and happy to me. mam tess is not ask me to clean the household chores coz she is say that it is my birthday. sir arnold also touched me coz he is greet me a happy birthday and he is give me 50 pesos as birthday gift. after the lunch, mam tess is ask me to go shopping with her in makati. 

mam tess: hoy, birthday girl! magbihis ka at sumam ka sakin. punta tayo sa mall. wag ka nang mag-uniform . suot mo yung bigay ko sayong damit. mag dress ka at birthday mo naman. 

i was very exciting coz i want to go to the mall and buy some shopping for me. i shower and dress up. at first, i am confused what to wear coz mam tess is give me many of her old dress and clothes. i choose the class dress that mam tess is give me last year. is very pretty. the dress is have lace and starovski crystals. the starovski crystals are like stars in the dress like jewels. mam tess is wear this when she is ninang to the wedding of the child of her amiga many months ago. i am also wear my step-in sandals. i feel very pretty and special. i go out of my room and wait in the sala for mam tess. when mam tess is go out of her room she is very shocking to me.

mam tess: o? sigurado ka bang yan ang isusuot mo?

chona mae: opo. mam sige na. birthday ko naman po e saka matagal ko na pong gustong isuot ito. dream come true po ito for me..

mam tess: sige na nga. tara na.

we are go to the mall. i bring all my savings coz i want to buy shopping also. i want to gift myself but mam tess is not buy shopping pala. mam tess is only go to the parlor. we are go to 6750 for mam tess parlor. mam tess is have haircut and manicure and pedicure. i nwait in the sofa near the door.

bakla: mam parang bihis na bihis ang inyong helper a.

mam tess: oo nga e. hayaan mo na birthday kasi.

i get boring and i am also gelous of the other girls who are have their haircut. i ask mam tess if i can have my haircut also.

chona mae: mam pwede po ba akong magpagupit?

mam tess: mahal dito. may pera ka ba? di ako magbabayad ng pampagupit mo ha.

chona mae: mam may pera po ako. dala ko po ipon ko. pwede po?

mam tess: sige. bahala ka. basta ikaw magbabayad nyan ha.

chona mae: opo. promise.

the bakla is give me haircut. first the assistant is shampoo me.

assistant: mam, shampoo po muna tayo.

chona mae: wow. mam daw.

the assistant is show me the way where to shampoo.

chona mae: wala ba kayong banyo? bakit lababo lang? baka masilipan ako dito.

assistant: mam hindi po tayo maliligo. shampoo lang po natin yung ulo nyo.

chona mae: a ganun ba?

assistant: opo.

the assistant is shampoo my hair and then she is return me to the chair. the bakla is come back and is give me hair cut. i ask the bakla to give me bangs so that i look like my idol claudine.

bakla: mas maganda to kung kulayan natin para sosyal ka.

chona mae: sige! gusto ko blondie.

bakla: blondie? sige pwede pero mas maganda kung highlights lang. ano? game ka?

chona mae: sige. game na!

is very exciting for my new hair with bangs and color. mam tess is still getting massage and manicure and pedicure. mam tess is also hot oil.

the bakla is finish my color and is very pretty. i am very happy. i wait for mam tess to finish in the sofa near the door. mam tess is go out and is very shocking again.

mam tess: naku dyos ko, chona ano naman at nagpakulay ka pa? sabi ko na nga ba. nagpapaganda ka kay reynante ano?

chona mae: dah. di mam no. pangit kaya ni reynante. maganda po ba?

mam tess: ok lang. maganda na rin para maiba naman. nagbayad ka na ba?

chona mae: di pa po.

mam tess: o halika na sabayan mo nako pagbabayad dito. tumayo ka na dyan para makauwi na tayo. bilis.

mam tess is get her bill and i get mine. i get shocking and nervious coz my bill is 2,700. my money is only 700. i want to cry and i get wet of sweat.

mam tess: o? ano? nabayaran mo na?

chona mae: kulang po e. 2,700 po e 700 lang po pera ko.

mam tess is get very angry and she is shout at me in the parlor.

mam tess: aba! ano ka sinisuwerte? chona! pagbabayarin mo ako ng dalawang libo para sa kalandian mo? may mga bangs at kulay ka pang nalalaman. dapat tinanong mo muna kung magkano bago ka nagpakulay!

chona mae: tinanong lang po kasi nung bakla kung gusto ko. kala ko po kasama na sa bayad ng gupit. kala ko po combo na yun.

mam tess: naku. sinisira mo araw ko. babayaran ko to pero sinasabi ko sayo, di ka na makakaulit sa akin! ibabawas ko to sweldo mo!

i start crying and everyone in the parlor is look at me. some are laugh. some are not. they are just look.

chona mae: mam sorry na po. di na po uulit.

mam tess: sige na sige na. grounded ka. di ka pwedeng lumabas ng bahay.

chona mae: di naman po talaga ako lumalabas ng bahay kasi ayaw nyo di ba?

mam tess: sumasagot ka ba?

chona mae: hindi po.

mam tess: bawal ka ring mag-computer. di ka rin pwedeng gumamit ng telepono.

chona mae: po? pano po pag tumawag si sir jeff?

mam tess: si myrna ang sasagot bakit?

chona mae: mam. sorry na po. di napo ako uulit. papatanggal ko na lang po yung kulay.

mam tess: sira! di pwedeng tanggalin yan! tara na! humanda ka pagdating sa bahay!

i cry and i cry until i go home. mam tess is not stop at shouting at me even in the car but she is only repeat everything that she is say to me.

but is a little bit ok now coz i am use the computer again and i am still happy for my hair coz it is have bangs and i am blondie just like the girls i see in hbo but i am not very blondie coz it is only highlights so i am half blondie and half black. =) 

__________ 

PASALUBONG

sorry is been many days since i last write hear coz is been very busy coz mam tess is comeback from abroad last saturday and there are many things to do. mam tess is bring many shopping materials with her from the abroad. mam tess say that she is go to many places. i am very exciting for the stories of mam tess coz i also want to go to the abroad but i dont know how and i dont have money.

sir arnold is ask me to go with him to get mam tess from the airport so that she is come home to us.

sir arnold: chona, maligo ka.

chona mae: naku sir wag po. 

i get surprising and i cover my body with my hands coz i get scared. coz they say in TV that if the sir of the helper ask the helper to take a bath, he is rape her. 

sir arnold: ano ba nangyayari sayo? tumigil ka nga dyan. maligo ka na at magbihis ka at sasama ka sakin. aalis tayo. susunduin natin si mam tess mo sa airport. bilisan mo at baka ma-late tayo. 

chona mae: ay. ganun po ba. kala ko kasi.

sir arnold: kala mo ano?

chona mae: wala po. joke lang po. ano po isusuot ko?

sir arnold: tinatanong pa ba yun? mag-gown ka. naku chona.

chona mae: ay, formal po. wala po akong make-up e. di po ako makakasama. kayo na lang po. 

sir arnold: syempre uniform. ung white. nasisira araw ko syo. ang aga-aga e. sige na maligo ka na tapos magbihis ka tapos buksan mo yung gate.

chona mae: tapos?

sir arnold: aalis tayo. bakit?

chona mae: wala po. sige po. maliligo na po ako.

i am always exciting everytime mam tess and sir arnold are ask me to go with them coz i get very boring here in the house and i dont want to see aling choleng and myrna. mam tess and sir arnold are always ask me to go out with them coz aling choleng is the manager of the house and she cannot leave the house and she is always dizzy when she rides the car. suka ng suka. kadiri. myrna also cannot go coz if she is leave, aling choleng should go with her also thats why i am always the one who is go with sir and mam.

i take bath very quick coz sir arnold dont like to wait and he always in time. i wear my pants uniform. i am also very exciting for the pasalubong. i wish that mam tess is buy me chocolates. 

we leave the house and we are go to the airport. many airplanes fly over and above the car. we wait and we wait and then mam tess is finally come. she has many bags small and big coz she is go to many places. 

chona mae: hi mam! ako na po magdadala nyan. welcome to the philippines po. na-miss ko po kayo.

mam tess: asus. sipsip! wag kang mag-alala, may pasalubong ako sayo. kumusta naman kayo nila myrna sa bahay? malinis ba ang bahay? ayokong makakarinig ng maraming sumbong ha.

chona mae: ako po ok lang ewan ko po sina aling choleng.

we are go to duty free for more shopping. mam tess, sir arnold and me. mam tess are buy more things and then we are go home coz mam tess is already tired from the travel. in the car, i ask mam tess about abroad.

chona mae: mam san po kayo nagpunta?

mam tess: madami. bangkok, vietnam, hongkong, china, japan, singapore. nakakapagod.

chona mae: nag-japan po kayo? di ba masama po yun? bakit nyo po nagawa yun?

mam tess: sira! namasyal lang ako at nag-shopping. arnold, san ba natin nakuha to? parang nagkamali tayo dito a.

sir arnold: sinabi mo pa. wrong move honey. wrong move. ano, chona? soli ka na namin?

chona mae: wherever. 

sir arnold and mam tess are always joke with me that they are return me to romblon but is ok coz i know that it is joke only. 

chona mae: malaki po ba ang abroad

mam tess: chona talaga. oo. malaki.

chona mae: ano pong pasalubong nyo sakin? na-miss nyo po ba ako?

mam tess: marami akong pasalubong sayo mamaya mo na tingnan sa bahay. di ko alam kung na-miss kita kasi puro kunsumisyon dala mo sakin. 

mam tess is the deny queen. i know that she is only deny. i know that she is missed me also. 

we arrive home and we are bring the bags in the house. mam tess is open her bags and she is call aling choleng and myrna to give away the pasalubongs. 

mam tess: o myrna etong sayo. yung kay choleng kasam na dyan, may pangalan yan. 

the bag for choleng and myrna is big. they have imported lotion, important soap, imported shampoo and imported perfume. mam tess is also give aling choleng a sholder bag and some chocolates too also.

mam tess finally gives me my gift pack. many things inside the bag. she is give me one imported t-shirt that is color pink. the front of the t-shirt says: “abercrombie and bench” i think it is same with the t-shirt that the MTV and the MYX BJ wear. mam tess is also buy me kitkat and nestle crunch and kisses also. she is also give me lip glows. lip glows is look like a lipstick but mam mam tess say that lip glows is make the lips shine. is very happy. 

HAPPY EASTER.